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There are many things that I hope to find in
someone who wants to be trained or wants to learn BDSM. The first is
that she wants to be trained by me. Without that, there is no need for
me to look any deeper.
Assuming interest in having me train them, I
look for:
- Intelligence - I'm a cerebral person and like to connect
with something between the ears before connecting with someone between
their legs
- Openness - If one is not willing to share, one is
hard to trust
- Sense of Adventure - Be interested in trying new things,
no matter in what area of life
- Strength - Weak people can not choose to submit, and I am
only interested in teaching someone who has the strength in them to
choose, who has the strength to look me in the eyes and tell me I'm
full of shit on those occassions that I am, but who also has the
strength of character to follow through with her promise to submit
anyhow at the points where I'm too stubborn to budge (and it would
help if she had the grace to refrain from thoroughly raking me through
the muck for the next year when I am wrong)
- Honesty - First, one has to be honest with themselves before they
can be honest with another. Honesty is important as I need to know what someone
is thinking/feeling, not meerly what they think I want to hear.
- Patience - While this is something that canbe increased with practice,
it is still something I look for to make things go smoother.
- Dedication/Commitment - I have talked to many people who
are interested in learning BDSM and in being trained. Many of them are
interested, but not seriously, to them it is a game, something to
explore and play with, and while there is nothing wrong in that, for
itself, I take this much more seriously than that. While this is
something that I do not expect to be offered immediately, I do hope
that the dedication to explore and live the role is there, for it
needs to be offered before things can really get going. It may take
months before one is ready to offer this commitment, or it may take
months before I am ready to accept it and commit myself to training
her. During this time, we talk and get to know each other, etc., with the only commitment being her
interest in continuing to get to know me as a potential trainer.
- Self control/Discipline - One can not give what one does not
have. If you can not control yourself and your own urges, you can not
expect someone else to do so for you.
Along with the above qualities I look for
someone to have positive interests and reasons for wanting to be
involved in a BDSM relationship. While BDSM is a very healthy
exploretion of one's self and one's sexuality, there are many people
who come to it for all the wrong reasons and it can do them more harm
than it ever does good. Some of the wrong reasons include: seeking
control over one's own life; not knowing any other way to live (a past
of childhood or relationship abuse can contribute to this feeling of
low self-esteem and a feeling that one deserves nothing more than to
be used and humiliated). Good reasons include: sexual excitement; a
desire to please; a freedom or release from everyday responsibilities
and choices; and perhaps an innate knowledge that one will be happiest
when serving (some people I have talked to have had fantasies as early
as age 3-4).
Something else that I look for that I can not
describe here fully is the ability to interact with me well. Some
people just do not get along, and some can interact quite well on a
superficial level but fail to actually connect on any kind of
meaningful level. The only way to know if someone matches up well here
is to spend time talking.
In the ideal, someone that I train should be someone
that I am going to still be calling "friend" in 10 years or more. I would
like to be able to get along with her long past the time that I am helping
her to explore in a training relationship.
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