I'm going to take some space and ramble on for a while about what I think dominance is, and how it's different from a few other things.
At a basic level, dominance, or domination is controlling someone else. This is however a very crude picture of what is really going on in a Dominant-submissive relationship.
A D/s relationship is based on consentual power exchange. What this means is that the submissive chooses freely to give control to the dominant. The sub also chooses the degree to which power is given in the relationship. For many, this power exchange is total (in theory... and very close in practice), but for most who engage in a D/s relationship the sub has some very real limits. Often as a measure of leaving control in the hands of the sub, s/he uses a safeword to signal the dom when a limit or problem is encountered.
In many aspects of a D/s relationship it is the sub who has the ultimate control. S/he controls the limits ultimately, and relies on the dom to add the unpredictability and element of surprise. The dom is also relied on to provide safety and protection for the sub as their fantasies are explored. With the safeword, the sub is in control of what ultimately happens.
When most people think of D/s relationships, the first image that they see is one of bondage. It's not the dom who is bound being please and teased by the sub, but rather the dom who is doing the pleasing. As in most things in life, it's all how you look at it.
Dominance is inspiring, teaching, leading and pleasing a sub, or slave. It is not about getting what you want through fear, intimidation, or threats, that is called abuse. There are many other qualities that make up a good dominant however: patience, understanding, empathy, knowledge, comfort, imagination and control over one's own life are all essential as well.
The line between dominance and abuse is a very narrow one, and sometimes far too easy to cross. Constant vigil by both dom and sub is needed, and communication has to flow freely. Where the dom draws the line on abuse may be quite far into what the sub considers to be abuse.
Now, in some relationships, the sub gives up their right to safeword out of something... this could be for a set time period, or something more permanent. During this time the sub is definitely not in control anymore. Getting to this point in a D/s relationship takes quite a while to do, and some people never make it, of course, some people are not interested in it. Even while they have total control, a good dom is still very responsive to what is going on for the sub.. how s/he is doing, and reacting to what is being done.
To try and organize my chaotic thoughts for you, a good dom treats their sub as a person who chooses to submit, and does not view their sub's submission as any kind of right or entitlement owed to them. They will talk, and listen, share, learn, teach and grow with their sub.
Last modified on Tuesday, 12-Sep-2000 02:23:14 EST
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